The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
I was having a shit on the train when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
If police never did wrong, people would trust them
Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ….
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
“Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there’s a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.
A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says… "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says, "I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in. The man who wants to enter, having no beard eventually walks up to the bouncer and says, "I'm with the police." Raising an eyebrow, the bouncer asks where his beard is. Pulling down his pants, the man replies with, "I'm undercover." The bouncer lets him in.
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
Your momma’s so fat
Thanos had to clap
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike…
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
What do we want! Low flying aircraft noises!
When do we want them! Nooooooooooowwwwwwwwww
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I’m sad I didn’t get to see how my execution ended…
I was left hanging.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome