The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled…
Tickets are non-refundable…
You can drop an ant in water to determine its sex
If the ant sinks – girl ant If the ant floats – boy ant
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember…
Every day is a date.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
I just discovered that the word “nothing” is a palindrome…
Backwards it spells "gnihton", which also means nothing.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
It’s really been getting out of hand.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi's
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
I’m running out of drugs and drug $$ not even sure if I’m doing this right…..
https://ift.tt/2Z0YCDy
Six topless women sounds nice
Dozen tit
Well… Here goes nothing
No text found
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
Just a random thought
Just a random thought
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."
Some heavy stuff my teacher puts in our Homework during Coronavirus Homeschooling.
https://ift.tt/2WTxo0t
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie…
Clooney said, "I'll produce." DiCaprio said, " I'll direct." McConaughey said, " I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit:Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
What do you call a T-rex that sells guns?
A small arms dealer!