The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast
honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
I entered 10 puns in a contest hoping one would win.
No pun in ten did.
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
I got fired from the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn't putting in enough Shifts, but it was really a lack of Control. I see this as a fresh Start, I thought I would never Escape.
My son cheated on his physics test, and has no idea how much trouble he is in.
He doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer…
I told him it’s Ctrl-P. He says he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
I got an email saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backward.”
And I thought, “that’s just spam”.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
A Jewish girl asked for my number
I told her we use names now.
If number 666 is evil,
then 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil.
The past present and future got into an argument while camping.
http://bit.ly/2BE6vBp
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses inside him
The doctor described his condition as stable!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I got fined $50 for sneaking popcorn and a drink into the movie theater.
It's ok though, it still saved me money.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. i’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt said " I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
A Frenchman was showing of his yachts to a tourist
Frenchman: "This one is called Un, this one Deux, this one Trois, Quatre, Six, Se–" Tourist: "Hold on, why is there no number 5?" Frenchman: "It Cinq"
Started a new job where I test cat flaps with my toes.
I'm only doing it to get my foot in the door.
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.