The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him.
He said, It is, indeed.
I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
Most of the dirty jokes I see on this sub are either about necrophilia, bestiality, or masturbation. They used to be funny.
But at this point, they're beating off a dead horse.
Inside the mind of an HR representative: You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful) OR You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
Inside the mind of an HR representative:
You’ve worked at 4 different companies, so why can’t you stay longer at one job? (He is definitely unfaithful)
OR
You worked at one company for 8 years, why did you leave? (He left the company he worked at for 8 years, so he can leave our company too)
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
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https://ift.tt/38Rkqnb
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
I just adopted a dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got him home, he made a bolt for the door
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
So someone gave me a used glove and new one….
So I got one second hand and one first hand.
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
My friend did a PhD in palindromes…
He's now known as Dr Awkward.
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]
Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted. So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each. When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and starts sucking on it. The barteneder forgetting that they had not payed yet thinks something else is going on so he kicks them out. They repeat this for around 15 more bars and are hammered. Then the first guy says "damn my back hurts from bending over so much!" The second says "you think that's bad? I lost the sausage 7 bars ago"
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
Dog for sale . . .
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there."You talk?" he asks."Yep," the mutt replies."So, what's your story?"The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.The owner says "Ten dollars."The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"The owner replies, "He's such a liar."
whenever i ask someone what is LGBT
i never get a straight answer
I finally watched Doctor Who
It was about time.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.