The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him.
He said, It is, indeed.
I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.
And i took that shit to the next level
A barber in my town was arrested for illegal drug trade. It was shocking, I have been his customer for years.
Never knew he was a barber.
He's only got little legs
Outlaws are wanted.
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it. He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up and zipping up his pants. The driver shouts out to the boy "Do u realize that if I had not seen u, this would have been ur last f…!!! Boy -'Listen dude, you were coming, She was coming and I was coming, then I realised only You have Brakes.
No text found
Back in high school I was a big metal fan. At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party. It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden … and probably quite a few more. As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up. I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else. I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty. The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me. She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot. She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard. Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point. She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest. Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing. He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar. He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a … big … metal … fan.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
My math teacher is a bastard.
Multiple life sentences.
A panda walks into a bar. Orders a meal and quietly eats it. When the bartender comes with the check, the panda pulls out a shotgun, shoots the bartender, and prepares to leave the bar. The bartender, on his last breath, screams “Why?!”
The panda pulls out a dictionary, points to the entry on pandas, which reads: Panda (n.) – Eats shoots and leaves.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
A roamin' catholic.
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
A constellation prize.
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
Because it would be EelEagle
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
So I added fruit and lemonade to it and now she's sangria than ever
The German replies "Nein, just one."
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
He had an apartment complex.
No text found
I learned next to nothing.
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
You can only tolerate your own
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No"