The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I only added a few toppings on my pizza
There wasn’t mushroom
How did the scarecrow win an award without moving?
He was out standing in his field 👨🏻🌾
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean… how low can you get!
I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today.
I guess you could say he was Van Halen.
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
What are you drinking there?
I dunno water you drinking?
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
An older man and a 16 year old girl were alone in a room…
The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble. Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know they wouldn't approve… Girl: I don't care about them. I care about this. Please. Man: You know it's going to hurt at first, right? Girl: I'm not worried about that. I trust you, I've known you since I was a little girl. I want it to be you. Man: I want to, I really want to, but it's against the law. You're too young. Girl: Oh, come on! Age is just a number. And besides, you know how badly I want it. I've been asking you to give it to me for weeks now. Please! I need it inside me! And with that, the man finally relented. He knew the law, he knew the consequences, but he just didn't care anymore. What he was about to do was worth the risk. The man gave the girl her measles vaccine.
“The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary,” the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, “You can’t be squeamish.” He then stuck his finger in his mouth.
The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is attention to detail. I stuck my middle finger in, but sucked my index finger." The class was horrified. Some of them threw up. "The third thing you should know" the teacher said as he picked up his briefcase "is that I don't work here." "And the fourth thing you should know," said the man lying on the table with a smile, "Is that I'm not dead."
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt…
She's probably pulling your leg.
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
My dad is addicted to ladders
He uses them to get high.