The SpaceX interview be like…
My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up
I'm an only child 🙁
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
What does a grape say when it’s squashed?
Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
The teacher asks a boy if he remembered the chemical formula of water, which she told them yesterday.
He replied “ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O! H to O!
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Why don’t blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
I used to think I was indecisive…
But now I’m not so sure.
What’s the difference between Election day and Thanksgiving day?
On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day, but on Election day, you get a turkey for four years.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
You should never run with scissors…
And conversely, you should never scissor with the runs.
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
I slipped on my wife’s bra today…
It was a booby trap
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower…
The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play. About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where did your washcloth go?” the girl says in shock. “I lost it, honey” replies the mom. “Ok!” The daughter says as she darts off. Later that night as the mother is on the couch reading a book the daughter runs in, excited, “Mommy!! Mommy!! I found your washcloth!” “You did?! Where was it??” “The maid has it!” the daughter shouted “And she’s washing daddy’s face with it!”
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
Most People Rejected His Message. They Hated Him Because He Told Them The Truth.
https://ift.tt/37geC5M
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
Two men walk into a bar. One man orders H2O. The other says,”I’ll have H2O, too.”
The second man dies. That's why you shouldn't repost.