The spelling really does it for me
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
You know what they say about cliffhangers..
No text found
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.
āOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?ā
Cop: itās a …..moving violation.
I had to quit my last job, all I did was test soft drinks
It was just soda grading
I love jokes about monorails.
Those are my favourite one liners.
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
Iām not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday
Once on the plane, the captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built. Everyone freaked and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn't left, he responded " I know the abilities of my students. This shit won't even start".
(At court) Me: Your honor, between the hours of 10 pm and 11 pm, I was having sex.
Judge: Who the hell are you? You are not even in this trial. Me: I know. I just want it on the record.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
Cell Realignment machine allow the sick to live normal life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sL73BOpg7G4
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
A dāāog sāāees aāā “āāNow hāāiring” pāāoster oāāutside oāāf aāā cāāomputer sāātore.
Tāāhe pāāoster rāāeads: "Must bāāe aāāble tāāo tāāype. Māāust bāāe aāāble tāāo pāārogram. Aāānd māāust bāāe bāāilingual. Wāāe aāāre aāān eāāqual oāāpportunity eāāmployer." The dāāog tāāakes tāāhe pāāoster iāān hāāis māāouth, aāānd wāāalks iāān. Tāāhe māāanager sāāpots tāāhe dāāog, aāānd dāāecides tāāo hāāumour iāāt, pāāulling uāāp aāā cāāhair aāānd aāā cāāomputer wāāith aāā wāāord pāārocessor. "āāAlright, iāāf yāāou wāāant tāāo wāāork hāāere, yāāou nāāeed tāāo fāāirst wāārite aāā lāāetter," aāānd lāāeaves tāāhe rāāoom. 30 māāinutes lāāater, hāāe cāāomes bāāack iāān, aāānd tāāhe dāāog hāāas tāāyped oāāut aāā cāāompletely eāārror-free lāāetter. "Well, Iāā'll bāāe. Tāāhis iāās aāā sāāmart dāāog. Bāāut cāāan hāāe pāārogram?", hāāe aāāsks hāāimself. 20 māāinutes pāāass, aāānd tāāhe dāāog hāāas māāade aāā pāāerfectly rāāunning wāāebsite fāāor tāāhe sāātore. He lāāooks, sāāhocked, aāāt tāāhe dāāog, aāānd fāāinally sāāpeaks. "āāLook, Iāā kāānow yāāou hāāave tāāhe qāāualifications, bāāut, wāāell… yāāou're aāā dāāog." The dāāog nāāudges tāāhe wāāords "āāWe aāāre aāān eāāqual oāāpportunity eāāmployer" oāān tāāhe pāāoster, aāānd tāāhe māāanager sāāighs. "There's nāāo wāāay yāāou're bāāilingual." The dāāog lāāooks hāāim iāān tāāhe eāāyes, aāānd sāāays, "āāMeow."
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
I wrote down the names of everyone I hate a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll a joint.
He's now high on the list of people I don't want to see again.
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't," I said.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?
Micro trans-action
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, āWhat are all those clocks?ā St. Peter answered, āThose are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.ā āOh,ā said the man, āwhose clock is that?ā āThatās Mother Teresaās. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.ā āIncredible,ā said the man. āAnd whose clock is that one?ā St. Peter responded, āThatās Abraham Lincolnās clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.ā āWhereās President Trump clock?ā asked the man. āTrump's clock is in Jesusā office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.ā
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Can people stop making coronavirus jokes
Iām getting sick of them
An ancient Dad joke
A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army. The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire. The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night. In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight. The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up. In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing – the squire from the third kingdom. And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Doctor : You’ve got a problem in your eyes
Dad : Oh i see Doctor : No you can't
Donald Trump
[removed]
For a second, I couldnāt decide what underwear to buy.
It was a moment of brief indecision.