The Spoiled Brat
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
My instructor just told me that Iβm not cut out to be a mime
It must have been something I said
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
“Why are frogs so happy?”
"They just eat what bugs them."
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
a book just fell on my head…
i've only got my shelf to blame….
I drank some food coloring and I dyed a little inside.
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I had a dream that i was drowning in an ocean of orange soda. . .
But when I woke I realized that it was just a Fanta sea.
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs canβt pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
College financial aid officers when the first gen student working 3 jobs canβt pay off the 70k tuition in 1 week
Help please :D
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
I used to have three children, until an accident happened.
I now have four.
How do kids tell you their grandparents called?
60s kids: Grandma called. 70s kids: Gramps called. 80s kids: Granny called. 90s kids: Grandmother called. Kids now: Boomerang.
I can’t believe how many people don’t understand erectile dysfunction.
I mean, it's not hard.
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
Why did the console gamer cross the road?
To render the buildings on the other side.
Two ladies talking in heaven
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die? 1st woman: I Froze to Death. 2nd woman: How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer… we'd both still be alive.
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
βMeat Patty.β
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Why can’t you run through a camp ground?
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what Iβll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
What’s the difference between a pizza and a musician?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
Then I realized my whole life was a joke.
I made a pencil with two erasers.
To be honest, it was pointless.
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Apparently origami enthusiasts are bad at poker…
they're always folding. I'll see myself out. lol