The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors
- How dense the population is
- How dense the population is
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Did you hear about the atheist who couldn’t use exponents?
He didn’t believe in higher powers.
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step…
I think I’m being stalked…
OC posted in honor of my dear father-in-law, who died of cancer today
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me: “Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer…” pauses for effect “…I guess I let it go to my head.”
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
What do you call Batman when he skips church
Christian bale.
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
https://ift.tt/3esMeRl
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When the punch line becomes apparent. My kids hate this one and I can't stop laughing at it…
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re good at it.
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
A superhero arrives in a village.
The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two weeks later the monster dies of starvation.
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture
You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year
I’ve broken up with my gym.
Our relationship wasn't just "working out"
People would want to program more if this were the tutorials they get on python
https://ift.tt/36muIe7
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,
"Son, you know that one would have been enough."
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
If that fucker Trump gets re-elected, I’m going to Mexico
but not by choice though