Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
I cried when my mom chopped onions
Onions was a good dog.
Two years ago, my doctor told me that I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
Never Trust Someone With Graph Paper…
They're always plotting something.
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: You’re fired.
What’s the difference between a pest and vermin?
Walt Disney.
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
Why do riot police go to work early?
To beat the crowd.
How do u spell CANADA?
C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?
What body of water do tees like to swim in?
The Golf of Mexico
ONE OF MY KIDS BROKE MY CAPS LOCK KEY.
I’M NOT UPSET, BUT DON’T KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters! For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
What country doesn’t take cash or credit?
The Czech Republic
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
Is this sub still active?
There hasn’t been a post all year. Happy New Years from New Zealand
Talking to god
So this man is talking to God and he says: “God, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?” Then God says: “Yes. A million years is like a second to me.” Then the man says: “So if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?” Then God said: “Yes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.” So the man says: “God, can I please have a penny?” Then God says: “Yeah just give me a second.”
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!” The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!” So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments! Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.” The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
My son may be a good father…
But I'm a grandfather.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
What starts with “W”.
No text found