The state of social science research right now
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot.
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
A farmer in a field had 198 sheep
But when he rounded them up he had 200
What’s the difference between Xi Jinping and Winnie the Pooh?
Not a joke, I am genuinely curious.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
I went to the zoo yesterday and I saw a piece of toast in a cage.
When I asked the keeper why, he said, "It was bread in captivity!"
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
I walked up to a fit girl at a bar the other night and said,
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
3d printers can print guns now!
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
Do you know why the say “be there or be square?”
Because you're not around.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
Do you know what Yoda’s last name is?
It's Lay Hee Hoo
And Jesus said “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together…
The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but… Again a tuna sandwich?" The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too… Again!" The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same too…" The next day, they have lunch together and again they eat tuna sandwiches. And the next day again, and again and again, till when the brunette girl can't take it anymore and says: "That's it! If I have to eat a tuna sandwich one more time I swear I throw myself out of the window!" The other two agree. She opens the lunchbox, finds a tuna sandwich and jumps off to her death. The readhead opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich and throws herself off. The blonde opens hers, finds a tuna sandwich as well, and off she goes. The next day, the three husbands are at the funeral of the three girls, shocked and desperate. The brunette's husband says: "She could have told me she was sick of tuna sandwiches… How could I have expected…". The readhead's husband too goes: "I though she loved tuna…why, why couldn't she just asked for an other lunch?". The blonde's husband is shocked. In disbelief he mumbles:" I just don't understand… She prepared her own meals!"
HACKATHON RESULTS & WINNERS!
We’re finally here, a month and a half later than we should have been, ready to give you give you the 2019 Hackathon Results! And our winners a-Hold up a minute, not so fast. We have a few more things to say first, and seriously, what ever happened to suspense? First of all, thanks so much to everyone who entered the event and watched the Twitch streams; with your help this event has been a huge success and we’ve enjoyed running it the whole way through. We received a total of thirty entries, not a number to take lightly for sure. And most importantly, we now know what went right and wrong, and hopefully, this will let us make the next one even better. And of course, a huge thanks to our sponsors, who provided the backbone of this competition:JetBrains, Digital Oceans and Reddit (you’re on it right now).They’ve been especially generous in the rewards they’ve given to us which we’re about to give to you, so let’s get a little internet round of applause for them.Back to the results: judges were required to give entries a 0-5 score for relevance and 0-5 for presentation; both scores were then summed up for the entry’s total score. Explanations for both categories were provided, so please DM me if you’d like to get some feedback on your submission. We then averaged the scores for each entry from every judge, and turned that into a percentage. Unfortunately, we’ve had to disqualify some entries for the following reasons:It could not be run on any of the judges’ computers and the demos were not comprehensive enoughBuild instructions were not providedSource code modification was necessary for the entry to workIf your entries met one of those criteria, please keep that in mind if you enter our next Hackathon (or for that matter, nearly any other programming related competition). Judging is already a significant effort on our part, especially with a theme of this nature, and we don’t have the time to deal with a of these cases. Nevertheless, we still appreciate the effort to make an entry and we look forward to your next submission.All that aside, without further ado, it’s time to announce the winners: drumrolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll: Findio by csteinmetz1 and seanpmyers (/u/csteinmetz1) with a 95% score. You’ll both be treated to a 1 year JetBrains license for any IDE and $125 in DigitalOceans credits for each.EmojIDE by OnlyTwo_jpg/RubbaBoy (/u/OnlyTwo_jpg) with a 93% score. You’ll be given a JetBrains license and $175 in DO credits.In a deadocked tie, only decided in a last minute vote, What datetime is it right now by Yihwan (/u/yihwan) with a 90% score. You’ll get a JetBrains license and $75 in DO credits.Winners, please contact me, Gator or Steve on the Discord or on Reddit with your emails to claim your prizes.As mentioned above, we had a tie for 3rd place between Datetime, selfCaptcha and Hello World Enterprise Edition – but the race is not over yet. We still want you to decide the People’s Choice winner, which will win some large amount of Reddit coins. Vote here: https://ift.tt/33gpbnr again, thanks so much to all who entered, I think I can speak for everyone on the judging and streaming team that you’ve all given us at least some goods laughs with all your entries. We’ll love to see what y’all come up with next year (we may also possibly have a physical booth for the event, but don’t necessarily count on it). See you soon!As a quick aside, we’ll be opening moderator applications very soon and bringing in some rule changes, so please keep your eyes open for those.
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
What does a Hawaiian Muslim say?
Aloha Akbar
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.