The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.
I said I wasn't too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.
Did you know diarrhea Is hereditary?
It runs in our jeans
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
What did Trump say when he picked up the cheese shredder?
"With this, I will make America grate again."
Passenger taps his cab driver on the shoulder, The drivers shits himself, almost hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window
"Wow youre jumpy arent you, i just tapped you on the shoulder" said the passenger "Sorry" said the driver "its my first day on the job and ive been driving a hearse the past 20 years"
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
My dad always told me I can’t get a wife overnight.
He was right. International shipping takes a few days.
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Embarrassing Situation
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
A man goes on a business trip to Japan
In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting: Hasimota! Hasimota! Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few japanese businessmen on a golf course. One of the businessmen makes a shot and, surprisingly, scores a hole in one. Everyone applauds and the foreign man, wanting to sound clever, shouts: Hasimota! The man who scored the shot turns to him and asks in confusion: "What do you mean 'Wrong hole!'?"
Has anyone ever had a glass snake as a pet?
I had one once, it was a real pane in the grass to catch though…
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
What do you call a dwarf from mexico?
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
Why don’t Africans eat at the restaurant?
Because they always Ghana order Togo.
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
How many D&D players does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them. Never split the party.
The first time I got a universal remote control
I thought to myself, "This changes everything!"
I slipped on a bag of vegetables.
I rest in peas.
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…