The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup" "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…". "Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go", the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000".
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
I was going to post a joke about deja vu.
But I feel like it’s been posted here before.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
A young boy asks his dad:
"Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?" The dad replies: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend next door is also my son, that is confidential."
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
90 degrees is pretty hot for most people,
But for mathematicians, it's just right.
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
A wife asks her husband, “Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?” “No” said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled twenty-dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" "Uh… no, I haven't" he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties… and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled fifty-dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. Then she said "Have you ever seen $75,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No!" he said… trying hard now to hide his anticipation. She said "Might want to check the garage".
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaainns
You got to hand it to short people
They probably can't reach it anyways
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
Harry Potter could be a great mafia boss
He always catches the snitch
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
My girlfriend used to be a hoe but she got fat
Now she's a shovel
I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt
And then it clicked.
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys…..
And I gotta say that's true because I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
I just learned the medical name for viagra
Mycoxaflopin
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no thanks, I can't handle high maintenance women
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!