the superior species
She seemed surprised.
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
It will come back to me.
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!" The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?" "I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them. The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!" One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this." The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes." But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!" But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!" But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can. But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes. The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work." The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?" The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
But then I got married.
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
She looked surprised
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
She was seeing someone else.
I can’t do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line I’m all set
All the red flags.
Two men in a bar. One says "Hey, I can do an awesome Batman impression." "Go on then" the second one says. "OK, here we go…" the first one responds, "Oh no! Not the KRYPTONITE!" The second one shouts "That's SUPERMAN" "Oh thanks man, I've been practicing for a while."
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
My bosses tie
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me …." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord…?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done…." They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.
My dad didn't beat cancer
I’ll beheading there soon.
Looks like reindeer!!
I exist and she doesn't
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
He is de-composing.
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
No text found
I'd give it 1 star
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki