The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
You guys probably never heard of herbivore
With great power comes great electricity bills
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
is a non-prophet organization.
At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
A laughing stock
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
The same thing Arkansas!
He was delighted.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
The big ones at the end of the wing. These feathers are called pinion feathers. A crow has sixteen. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.
It hated the dark.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I am thankful every day that I live in Canada.
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
I decided to sit on it for a while
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
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Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad. After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings. “Oh shit, I have an important package coming, I have to get the door. I can’t wipe this blood off my face fast enough!” said the guy. The gf tells him, “it’s ok, just tell the guy you were eating a jelly sandwich and didn’t have time to wipe your face.” So the guy goes and opens the door to sign the package from the mailman but notices the mailman staring at him awkwardly. “Oh this red stuff around my mouth is from my jelly sandwich, sorry about that.” says the guy. The mailman, slightly confused, says “Ohhhh… so is that peanut butter on your forehead?”
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.