The tailor at the tuxedo shop was constantly trying to measure me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
Before I die, I’m going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn…
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
A guy hears a noise on his roof. He goes outside and sees a large black bear on the roof.
So he calls an animal trapper and explains the situation. The trapper says he'll be right over. About an hour later, the trapper rolls up in a huge pickup truck with a large metal cage in the bed. He gets out of the truck followed by a tough looking pitbull. The dog looks pretty beat up, with a torn ear, a jagged pink scar running down its side, and what appears to be a chunk of its lip missing. The guy looks nervously at the dog. "So, what's the plan?" he says, shaking the trapper's hand. "Pretty simple, actually," the trapper says as he unloads a ladder. "I climb up onto the roof, knock the bear to the ground. Then Trigger here grabs the bear by the balls and drags it to the cage. The bear will go in to get away from the dog, the cage door will snap shut, and we're done." The guy looks dubiously from the dog to the bear to the cage. The trapper then pulls a shotgun out of a holster in the back of the truck and hands it to the guy. "Wait, what's the shotgun for?" the guy asks. "Simple. When I climb the roof, if the bear knocks me off, shoot the fucking dog."
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
I used to think i was indecisive, now I’m not sure.
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I’m not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
Nuts
What is the difference between Beer nuts and Deer nuts? Beer nuts are about $1.98 and deer nuts are under a buck
I’ve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
Dyslexic jokes about trees are O. A. K.
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What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
A man is asking a farmer about his two cows
Man: About how much milk do you get from them in a day? Farmer: Which one, the brown one or the black one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man: And the black one? Farmer: About a half gallon a day. Man (looking puzzled): Ok.. what do you feed them? Farmer: Which one? Man: The brown one. Farmer: She eats grass. Man: And the black one? Farmer: She eats grass, too. Man (becoming annoyed): Why do you keep asking me to specify which cow when the answers are the same? Farmer: Because the brown cow is mine. Man: Oh, and the black one? Farmer: It’s mine, too.
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
When I was young, at bedtimes…
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…