The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.
It was degrading.
aRe vIrUSes aLiVE?
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
“Sorry, my fault.”
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I have the heart of a lion…
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
Was sent this by a family friend
Congratulations to everyone graduating. Sorry this is such a crappy time to be doing so!
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
PSA: This is who is iin the white house.
As a Non-American, This is how I see Democrat and Republican Presidents
Spectrum be like
Conspiracy theory extraordinaire
New Day, New Quote
I showed my lawyer the damaged remains of my bag and asked him whether I can sue the airline.
He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
If you know who this hero is, you are a true scientist 😎
V Edit: my CTRL key broke
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
The God-Emperor’s new kilt
[OC] Why shouldn’t you mention hair or skin while wearing deodorant?
The deodorant gets up in arms over them.
Just google it you fool
Dad: Say daddy
Baby: Mommy. Dad: No. Say daddy. Baby: Mommy. Dad: Fuck! Say daddy! Baby: Fuck! Dad: What did you say? Baby: Fuck! Mom: I'm home! Baby: Fuck! Mom: What? Where did you hear that? Baby: Daddy.
this is what it looks like when someone is thinking really hard on an exam!
There are reasons
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.
Pope: "Do you know Jesus?" Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year." Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millenniums and we're still waiting for his second coming." Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate." Pope: "Chocolate?" Alien: "Every time he visits, we gather the best chocolate from each manufacturing plant and give them to him before he leaves. Why, what did you do the first time he came here?"
that’s a bold strategy, Cotton. I wonder if it will pay off
We all know where the Big Apple is…
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis Edit: some of us don't spend our lives on r/jokes and as such don't realise things are reposts.
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
It really do be like that sometimes
Is 400 a lot?
Wife: Stop being an idiot. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
What one food reduces a woman’s sex drive by 90%?
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
I’m jus sayin
If generosity was the only criteria required for heaven all halogens would be in hell
*Someone who actually knows C++
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
Now you are ready
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
911 what’s your emergency?
"Hello yes my Wife is going into labour!" "Is this her first child?" "No this is her husband"
I’m starting to notice a pattern…
To(O) mu(C)h power
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Behind every one-liner there are the tears of many
The more involved you are with technology, the less you trust it
《go after it on multiple levels》
low effort content
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
AmERIcA WiLL NeVeR eLecT a DemOCratIC SoCiALisT
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
What do you call Batman when he skips church