The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.
I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
They must have been itentacle twins.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
It’s because his job was so uplifting.
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Officer: It was a moving violation
All it does is hold me back
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
(After they reply with R) Ye think it’d be Arr, but me first love be the C
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
It's the state of affairs.
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”
Totally nailed it.
It was a coughee cake.
People must be dying to get there.
So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door. As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!” He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”
It would be a pain in the ass
He won the no-bell prize.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Makes you an eighth theist.
They're always up to something.
It's like I have never seen herbivore
It had an ex axis, and a why axis.
You've seen the mall!
I call it my trail mix.