As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
How do you handle a redhead’s temper?
Gingerly.
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said βIs that a fretβ
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
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I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
The bartender says, βwe donβt serve time travelers in here!β
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I got the words jacuzzi and yakuza confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Iβve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Itβs all about raisin awareness.
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. βYou see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.β The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, βYouβre such a dick when youβre drunk, Superman.β
Because just like with republicans, it’s only wrong if it’s done against them
https://ift.tt/34LtOGo
Why couldnβt the banana yell high?
It could only yellow.
What do you call a sunburnt Irishman?
A baked potato.
Today I saw dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall.
I thought to myself "Now, that's a little condescending".
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Sex with a robot is awful…
He just nuts and bolts
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Bad knock-knock joke #3
Knock knock. Whoβs there? Etch. Etch who? I'm sorry, did you sneeze? Bless you.
I ate a watch once…
It was so time consuming.