The three unwritten rules of life
1.
2.
3.
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
I don’t get anti-vaxxers.
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath…
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Whoever invented the knock knock joke should get an award.
Like no bell prize.
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.
My band is called 999 megabytes. We don’t have any gigs.
No text found
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of February.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Dad! Why do my friends in Europe call me Kilometers?
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
Why did donald trump throw the sick eagle out of USA?
Because it was an illeagle.
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
I phoned my work this morning and said, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Why did the bread not go to the doctor?
Because it felt butter in the morning.
What do houses wear?
Address
A dyslexic walks into a bra
No text found
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
I hate autocorrect…
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald farm.
I’m now the CIEIO.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
You’ve been elected president of the phobia society.
I was afraid of that.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Cheap oil, no immigration and no school shootings.
Corona did what Trump promised
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
Dad: “Would you like anything to eat for dinner?” Son: “What are my choices?”
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD….
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
It was a sad day on Sunday
But the day before was a Saturday.
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
God said to John, “come fourth and you will receive eternal life”,
John came fifth and won a toaster.
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
You know what a German doctor shouts after a circumcision?
Off wienerskin!
What do snowmen call their kids?
Chill-dren
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
