The three unwritten rules of life
A private tutor
If you want a trial version of a kid why don't you borrow your friend's and babysit it instead of letting your own expire?
She didn't really appreciate the sketch and threw it away…
They’re, there, their.
Like no bell prize.
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
With iPhone accessories.
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… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of February.
Because they use the metric system there, Miles.
Because it was an illeagle.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
He said, “You have a wee cough?” I said, “Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!”
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Because it felt butter in the morning.
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It's like luck, but with more force.
It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo…
I’m now the CIEIO.
I said, “That’s …. a big step.”
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
I was afraid of that.
When the punchline is a parent.
Corona did what Trump promised
That's just how I roll.
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
Dad: "'Yes' or 'no'."
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
But the day before was a Saturday.
Picking his nose!
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
John came fifth and won a toaster.
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what’s your last name?” The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”
a waist of paper