The title was just what you see.
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare.
It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
I used to have a fear of hurdles
But I got over it.
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
What if the real reason aliens don’t visit us is because…
…we're a one star planet?
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
A tad dark for this subreddit, but alas. Why is gun control even a partisan issue anymore?
https://ift.tt/2sVtveZ
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" He asks. The driver says, "$15" "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15" "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15" The guy hands him $15 and says "great let's go" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
Why did Thor lose his power to use lighting?
His father grounded him
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
My family is tired of me telling dad jokes during quarantine.
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
Electrician gets home late…
Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"
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https://ift.tt/2CdxXGY
The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear…
is sphere itself.
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.
I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers. After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same clerk. The way he interacted with me also changed, giving me little smile’s and sometimes a wink. All of a sudden it hit me, and I felt embarrassed by what he was probably thinking. The next time I went in I also grabbed a jar of Vaseline; hopefully I fixed this before he spread any rumours about me being a vegan.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are standing, watching a street performer do some juggling.
The performer notices they have a rather poor view, so stands on a large box, asking 'Can you see me better now?' They reply: 'Yes' 'Oui' 'Si' 'Ja'
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.
But i didn't think it wood work.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today….
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
I have an EpiPen…
My friend gave it to me while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
