The true origin story
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
What do you call a bear covered in strawberries
To be honest even I dont know u choose
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Apparently every country got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
I’ve been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man stated, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.00. The Hilton charges $108.00. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my insurance company!"
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Sometimes I tell dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on. “Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board” “And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “ The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!” “You already are” replied the rancher.
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
What do you call a constipated Sherlock Holmes?
The no-shit Sherlock!
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
A ba-na-na-naaaa.
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.