The Trump Card
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
No one in Antarctica has COVID-19
It's because they are ice-o-lated.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
My daughter, 8, asked me what happens to frogs who illegally park their cars.
"I don't know," I said. With a gleam in her eye, she squealed "They get toad!!" Dad win there.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
A Russian group I’m in keeps posting trash like this and reposting it 999 times
https://ift.tt/2xQdrxx
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
Having children is a lot like making pancakes
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
My doctor said I was going deaf.
Haven't heard from him since.
A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first?
The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
Pulled on a door that required a push,
should have handled that better.
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
I have a horse named Mayo
Mayo Neighs ..
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
Who has time to worry about 2,363 Americans deaths, when Trump is happy with his ratings
https://ift.tt/2WRHUW0
How do you call a pesron, that doesn’t read words right?
You. You read ''Person'' wrong.
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
My bedroom light just went out.
I have no idea where it's going.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
A woman tells her doctor, “Kiss me!”
The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?" The woman says again, "Kiss me now!" The doctor replies, "Certainly not!" The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!" The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest we probably shouldn't even be having sex right now!"
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.