The truth..
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.
He said he'd be right back
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Why did the student Google all the topics related to his essay twice?
Because he was asked to research.
Putin on a trip.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
I tried my wife’s essential oils for the first time today.
Worst french fries I've ever had.
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
Nothing scares me
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
How does a bald man run his fingers through his hair?
He cuts holes in his pockets.
Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of this year.
I have the best doctor
Everytime I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?
Count Spatula.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet. Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn’t help but think to myself…
“He’s giving me a good run for my money.”
The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain again today?”
She replied, “Yes, it is and don’t call me Shirley!” I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again…
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
It’s April 1st…
Happy April Flu’s Day!
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie “up”
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, “Just take your Up, vote and go.”
It’s cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths and the Bowman family were archers and the Dickinson family… well they were in jail
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…