The two states of every programmer
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
My wife gets me.
https://imgur.com/7qGI8AL
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
Help, Someone from Russia is trying to hack my phone
Edit: sorry, I not hacked. Mother Russia do no such thing. Have good day comrades.
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve replied, “I wish I was rich!” The genie nodded and said, “What’s your second wish?”
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
Samsung?
Well what did he sing?!
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends. But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived Date: 21 February 2018 I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist
That kid didn't help at all.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That's the harvest part.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
My son asked me what procrastinate meant.
I said I'd tell him later
![I drew this about the protests [oc]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/zxqm79rgorw41-400x268.png)
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.
They are already experts at recycling.
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Studies show that 4 out of 5 men suffer from diarrhea at some point in their life.
Why are 1 out of 5 men enjoying it?
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.