The ultimate meme
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
The early bird gets the worm
but the second mouse gets the cheese.
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
The madam of a whore house answered the ring of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold, an ancient, bearded gentleman in Rabbi’s garb.
"May I come in?" asked the Rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But Rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we…" "I know what you do here," interrupted the Rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on the girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The Rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The Rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the Rabbi performed with an address and a skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The Rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighborhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me – Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The Rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The Rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the Rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the Rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." And so he was, for, to Rosie's delight, he was even better the second time than the first. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the Rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is fifteen hundred dollars.”
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later." The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?" The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria." The nun said, "I understand completely." The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don't want to go to Syria either."
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I saw a lady in tears at the store
She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. payitforward
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
How do trees 🎄 access internet?
They log in
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
No text found
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
eBay is so useless.
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 12579 matches
When you have studied too much organic chemistry the past days and get this advertisement email
https://ift.tt/35x0iF1
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Me: Did you hear about the actor who got stabbed?
You: Who? Me: Reese You: Witherspoon? Me : Nah, with a knife
Why are there no pharmacies in Africa?
You shouldn’t take medicine on an empty stomach.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.
No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Jokes and sex are almost the same
I don't get it
I was skeptical when someone told me that there is a land full of Jews
Turns out, Israel
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s Dog and Schrodinger’s Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I haven’t spoke to my wife in 7 years
I don't want to interrupt her
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
If your Tesla gets stolen,
is it called an Edison now?
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No text found
What’s the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks at the family tree and the other examines the family bush.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold