The ultimate meme
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now.
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?
Quick answers please.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a…
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
It is okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.
Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance
So I pushed her over
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself Sister-in-law: crying is this why you wanted an open casket
A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?…..
Same middle name.
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
What is it called when an amputee does karate?
Partial arts
There was a kidnapping at school
Don't worry, he woke up
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
A Texan walks into an Irish bar…
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
I’m not wearing glasses anymore.
I’ve seen enough.
I’m secretly a billionaire but I’m raising my kids as lower middle-class to not spoil them.
It's working perfectly. They're in their mid-forties and still don't know.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
