Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
What do you call a black man with a bullet wound?
An ambulance. You call him an ambulance.
A person asked me, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who always brags about weird stuff?”
I chuckled and shook my head, "No, I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city!"
I spotted a bunch of people in a long line and asked with a laugh “is this the punch line?”
One of them responded, "pho queue." The guy lied. There wasn't any soup noodles.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer.
A Russian cop wants to get a breathalyzer like the Western cops have to deal with drunk drivers. He asks his superior for one and his superior says "Sorry comrade. We have no money." The cop decides to go to a local black market where he buys a condom. He stops the first driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the second driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver blows into a condom and the cop notices it smells like vodka. He says, "You drunk. Go to Police Station." He stops the third driver and says, "Official government breathalyzer test. Blow." The driver says, "You crazy? That is a condom!" The cop says, "You not drunk. You free to go."
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
It will be a sadder day.
A buddy of mine wasn’t feeling well, so I decided to send him 10 of my best puns to make him feel better.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
My bathroom mirror is so dirty
But I just can't see myself cleaning it
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
For real tho
For real tho
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death
Plaguearism
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers…
Times are rough.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
The wife is mad at me
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.
The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill: "I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!" The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting they hear the voice again: "I bet one Finn can beat a hundred Soviets!" The officer, now enraged, sends a hundred soldiers to silence this cocky Finn. A few minutes of shooting and screaming later, the voice shouts again: "I bet one Finn can beat a thousand Soviets!" The officer is now absolutely furious with this enemy, but knows that nobody could possibly beat 1000 soldiers alone, so he accepts the challenge once more and sends 1000 of his men. Nearly 15 minutes of shooting, screaming, and bright flashes later, a lone Soviet soldier comes crawling back over the hill with severe burns, covered in blood and half of his leg mangled. Panicked, he yells to his comrades: "Don't go up there! It's a trap! There are actually two of them!"
How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
We wouldn’t know, the women always get to keep the house.