The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours.
The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
I was putting the outlet cover back on the wall while my wife was working at the computer with her back to me…
She said “what are you doing? What is that noise?” I said “I’ve been screwing around behind your back.” She whipped around in shock and saw me, screwdriver in hand, screwing in the outlet cover. I found it way more entertaining then she did.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”
Like bro you were there wtf
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
geology totally rocks but geography is where it’s at
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I wrote a book about my love of punctuation.
The Comma Sutra.
My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.
So I brought her home diet pills.
“knock knock”
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Video games don’t have a negative influence on kids.
If Pac-Man had affected us, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
What do you call karate for amputees?
Partial Arts
A lot of puns
I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me. I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me. Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now. I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me. I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue. I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Nope. Unintended. Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.
A man walks into a bar.
Lucky bastard.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
The other day I drank a new kind of tea that is made by steeping a book in hot water.
Probably won't have it again. It was just a novelty
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Why didn’t Joe Exotic ever release any Christmas songs?
Because he fucking hates Carols.
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
