The weird shit my uncle sends me… Translated for your pleasure.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
I decided to try something new and get my wife a box of red hot chili peppers for Valentines
she told me "give it away, give it away, give it away NOW" !
If you feel the Bern you should vote for Bernie Sanders
That way you can get a doctor to take a look at it
Guy 1: “If my boss doesn’t take back what he said to me, I’m leaving the company.” Guy 2: “What did he say?”
Guy 1: "Leave the company."
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
A man called his twin brother from prison
āHey remember when we were kids and use to finish each otherās sentences?ā
After my wife died, I couldn’t even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
I just read the ā100 things to do before you dieā listā¦.
Iām surprised that 'Call 911' didnāt make the cut.
The teacher walked into the classroom
and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did manage to spell it correctly. "Wow!" she said. "Well done. That's quite a mouthful!" The kid replies, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob!"
A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.
I replied, "Mate, it's 2020, you can use any printer you want."
A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from her vegetarian restaurant.
I was a bit confused, because I've never met herbivore.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
For me, the urge to sing āThe Lion Sleeps Tonightā is always just a whim away…
…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didnāt drink beer then YOUāRE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
My wife’s favorite song is “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it’s on the radio…
I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know…"
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide…
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
Whats ET short for
Itās because his legs are little
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they canāt even.
Looking for a b’day card in a card bin we have, came across this gem my mom had saved…
https://ift.tt/3aphdfm
![[Video] The Unemployed Software Developer](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-192-400x247.png)
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
Itās the end of the world as we know it and he feels fine, very stable and wise
https://ift.tt/33mh9ZQ