The white box ruins it
Bartender says "Wrong joke, yours is across the road"
Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
It's a pun-croc band.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
Let's go ride bikes!
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
Alien vs. predator.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
We just clicked.
It’s hit or miss
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
They knead the dough.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
Oops, wrong place for this post.
To start I post this here because it’s the only place I could find that would have a hight scientist reader base an not required required it to be a scientific paper but here we goThey are safer that standard lab coats as the protect more of the bodyThey are more sanitary! minimising contact between your clothing and possible pathogens as well as chemicalsThey look 100% cooler, lab coats are cool but the Howie pattern is fuckin awesome, it also looks way more sci-fi, and if we’re gonna be living in the future might as well look it
He is basically a giant banner.
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Just to feel wanted
I bought him a trampoline for his birthday but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I need closure.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
Because it has a nice ring to it
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.