The women- know your limits!
My friend recently came out and said he was gay.
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
What state has the smallest drinks?
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Do you know why I don’t like stairs?
Because they’re always up to something
My boss called this morning and shouted,
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Do tree Poop?
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
If you see somebody robbing an Apple store,
does that make you an iWitness?
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
…because then it would be a foot
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
