The women- know your limits!
But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face
They are immediately disqualified.
Mini-Soda. (From my seven-year-old.)
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
So i packed up my stuff and right.
All it could say was "rabbit".
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Dad: AND?
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes. "Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you." My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired." Those were his last words.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Because they’re always up to something
“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.” “Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied. “Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.” So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
Everyone gets it.
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
A boy and his father are walking through the woods. The boys asks, "Father do trees poop?" The father looks at the boy and says "Of course, that's where #2 pencils come from."
does that make you an iWitness?
…because then it would be a foot
I am okay but, I think I dyed a little inside
Because light attracts bugs.
A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind! He walks into the first pub he sees and is greeted by the bartender. The bartender says, "Hey there, what can I do you for?" The Swede, eager to take his English for a spin in this new country, orders his favorite drink: "I'll take a yin, please!" The bartender grows visibly upset. "Yin? Yin?! What the hell is that? You're another one o' them lousy immigrants coming through that don't know no good English. Get outta here and don't come back till you can order a drink proper!" The Swede leaves, feeling distraught, and instead finds work and lodging, putting the drink aside for now. Every night when he returns home from work, he practices his English in the mirror. "Yin. Yin. Yyy…inn. Jyinn. Jjjiiinn. Gyiin. Giin. Gin. Gin! Gin! GIN!" After weeks of practice, he's ready. The Swede goes back to that same bar he entered when he first arrived in America. The bar tender recognizes him immediately. "Hey, it's you again!" he yells. "I thought I told you to–" But the Swede raises a hand and calmly interrupts. "Yes, I know. I would like to order a gin, please." The bar tender is speechless! A smile grows on his face, and he says, "well, would you look at that? You've learned quite a bit! Alright, I'll get you that gin, sure thing. What would you like it with?" The Swede answers, "yinyerale!"
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
He started counting but fell asleep.
The other 2/11 are quite good though!