The wonders of Instagram
What did the doctor say to the patient suffering from a bacterial infection?
Ah, I see you're a man of culture as well
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
Why do the Hong Kong police wake up so early in the morning?
To beat the crowd.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
Imagine a woman with 12 breasts.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
Alabama has decided to force women to carry babies conceived by rape and incest, to term.
Because if they didn't, the state's population would die out pretty quickly.
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.
I said, “That’s outrageous!” He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon
I'll let you know.
A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
Everyone knows masturbation is a touchy subject.
But oral sex? That's just a matter of taste.
A sailor is recruited onto a Pirate ship…
After swearing loyalty to the Captain and crew, and receiving his daily list of duties, the new recruit is brought up onto the poop deck to briefly meet the Captain. The Captain, a rugged-looking pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye-patch, is an intimidating-looking man indeed. "Yarr, welcome aboard! Good to have you," The Captain tells the recruit. "Do ye have any questions for me?" "Well I was wondering…" the recruit started. "How did you get the peg leg?" "Arr, my leg was blown off by a cannonball during a naval battle. Any other questions, landlubber?" "Well how did you get the hook then?" the recruit asked. The Captain grimaced. "My hand was cut off by a sword in a terrible battle. Luckily I had a shot in me pistol… I hit him square in the eyes and dropped him dead." Impressed, the recruit asked the Captain one more question: "How did you get the eye-patch?" The Captain looked down, embarrassed. "A seagull pooped in me eye," he stated coldly. The recruit seemed surprised. "A seagull? That doesn't seem like it would cause you to lose your eye. Did it get infected?" "No," the Captain started. "It was the day after I got me hook…"
Devin Nunes has filed a lawsuit over this image … be a shame if … people were to see it …
https://ift.tt/2ODHMUp
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic…
Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings vættir; the Gaels called them Aes Sídhe. Among these beings were the selkies who frolicked at outcroppings on the shore. These creatures looked like seals in the water, but they shed their hides on land to reveal beautiful human forms underneath. The Norse chieftain Valbrand saw the prettiest female selkie, whose name was Eyfridh, and decided he wanted her for himself. As Eyfridh slept on the beach at the edge of the forest, Valbrand snatched her sealskin and bundled it into a hidden bag. When she awoke, she saw that she couldn't return to the water, and she had no choice but to go home with the powerful chieftain before her. They got married and had a son, who they named Asgeir. This son grew into a strapping young lad, but he noticed that his mother was never happy. She would sit on a rock at the beach and gaze longingly toward the horizon. Asgeir wondered why she was so forlorn, not realizing that she pined for her old home. During her captivity, Eyfridh's only friend was a woman named Ginna, who regularly came down from the forest to keep Eyfridh company on the beach. Ginna was another of the island's mystical beings. From the front, she was every bit as lovely as Eyfridh. But when Ginna turned around to return to the woods, Eyfridh saw a furry tail swishing behind her and a back as hollow as a dead tree. Eyfridh decided to ask about this, and Ginna explained that she was a type of vættir called a huldra. During this conversation, Eyfridh let slip that she herself wasn't human, and that Valbrand had captured her from the sea. Ginna was horrified at this. The next day, while the chieftain was leading a raid on a nearby island, Ginna slipped into his longhouse and observed the exact nook where Valbrand had hidden the sealskin. She reported this to Eyfridh, who vanished that night and was never seen again. The boy Asgeir missed his mother from then on, but he hoped she was somewhere that she could be happier. Years later, when Asgeir was a man, he ventured through the forest and met Ginna. As a supernatural creature of the wild, the huldra had not aged a day, and she noted that Asgeir looked remarkably similar to her old friend Eyfridh. He explained that that was his mother, and asked if Ginna had any idea where Eyfridh had gone. Ginna explained that Eyfridh was a selkie who Valbrand had kidnapped and who had run away to return to her old home. Asgeir was shocked that his father would do something so cruel, but now he had context for why his mother had always been so sad. He took further comfort in knowing that she was indeed happier now. Upon returning home, Asgeir realised that he'd taken a liking to the ethereally beautiful being he'd met. But he was concerned about wooing her because he didn't want to wrench her from her home like Valbrand had done to Eyfridh. Asgeir decided to go about courting Ginna more respectfully. He brought lunch to a clearing in the woods and called Ginna over to dine with him. That date went well, so they continued their courtship every day at noon. Eventually, they'd grown comfortable enough with each other that Asgeir invited Ginna to spend the night at the chieftain's longhouse. At supper, it took all of Ginna's self-control not to throttle the ageing chieftain Valbrand for what he'd done to her friend, but she stayed her hand because killing him would give Asgeir and the other mortals too much trouble. Several years later, Asgeir and Ginna married and had a child of their own together, a daughter named Ingileif who strongly resembled her mother. Ingileif's parents never told her about her supernatural heritage. But Valbrand's thralls who cared for the girl passed down legends of the vættir and Aes Sídhe until the old chieftain died and Asgeir freed all his father's thralls. Eventually, once Ingileif had grown and Asgeir himself was beginning to age, he took his daughter to the shore and introduced her to her grandmother Eyfridh. "Hello again, Mother," Asgeir called out to the sea. "I have grown now!" A seal swam to the beach and shed its skin to reveal a human form. Looking on in amazement, Ingileif excitedly cried, "It's a selkie! The stories were true!" Having never met Ingileif before, Eyfridh initially thought she was looking at her old friend Ginna. "How do you not recognise me?…Wait a minute, you are Ginna the hollow-backed huldra, right?" Puzzled, Ingileif turned to her father and declared: "This Sídhe is bananas, I ain't no hollow back girl!"
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
To be Frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are out of touch
Am I so out of touch? No, it’s the children who are out of touch
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
A beautiful blond woman was driving down a curvy back country road in her pink Cadillac.
As she comes around a corner, she sees an extremely large rabbit lying dead in the middle of the road. It looked to be about three feet tall. The rabbit had a blue and pink vest on. On the ground next to the bunny was a large wicker basket, and strewn about the road was an abundance of candy, small simple toys, and colorful eggs. She exited her Cadillac to take a closer look. A moment later an older man driving a red pickup truck pulled up behind her Cadillac. He was wearing overalls and muddied work boots, and had the look of a farmer. He noticed the woman's car had stickers on it for a famous cosmetics company, and true to that profession, her hair and makeup were exquisitely done. He walked up next to her to see what the issue was, took in the scene, and started sputtering, jaw agape. "Is that… is that… that can't be…" The woman's eyes narrowed, and her face set with a look of determination . She went to the back of her car, opened the trunk, and then walked up to the dead rabbit carrying an aerosol can. She liberally doused the bunny with the contents of the can, then hesitantly stepped back. After a few moments, the bunny leapt to its feet. It quickly gathered all the candy, eggs, and toys into its basket. It then hopped about ten feet down the road, turned, and waived. It then hopped another ten feet, turned, and waived. And again, and again, until after several minutes it had disappeared behind a hill. The farmer, having watched it all, turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, just exactly what was in that can?" The woman just silently handed the can to him. He took it and read the label. "Hair Spray. Brings new life to hair. Adds permanent wave."
Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?
Because everything is already 100% recycled.
A man is having trouble with a crossword puzzle, and asks his wife for help
"What's another word for an overloaded mailman? 16 across". "How many letters?", she replies. "Thousands I'd imagine."
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to this realization.
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land,
and the leader of the captors said, "We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish." The Englishman responds, "I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune." The Irishman replies, "I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune." The Welshman answers, "I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir." The Scotsman says quickly, "I'd like to be shot first."