The wonders of Instagram
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..
Why aren’t people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.
Because of the telly ban
William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use
2B or not 2B
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
The FBI had an open position for an assassin
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) Iβm sorry but your wife didnβt make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) bring me the one my wife made
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt worry about him. Heβs just a product of our times.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.
Apparently you can’t use beefstew as a password…
It's not stroganoff.
Veteran retirement salary
3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up. The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement. all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measurement so doctor says okay its 6ft so we gonna pay you 6000$ a month The second puts his hand as high as he can, the doctor says okay its 6"2 so we gonna pay you 6200$ a month. The Third says I want it from the tip of my dick to my balls. the doctor confused says: Are you sure sir? 100 % he replies. take off his pants and the doctors starts and then asks, where are your balls sir ? he replies: they are In Vietnam son.
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
If you thought this year was strange, Iβve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, βIβm pregnant!β
She really has the worst stutter ever.
I am terrified of elevators.
Iβm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
