The World Health Organisation has stated that animals can’t get Corona virus and that all dogs in quarantine should be released…
WHO let the dogs out
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
I knew this job would take my sole
I don’t know how you sleep at night
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.
I think she’s in love with me.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that's his story and he's sticking to it.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
I said no it doesn't.
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
He asks for a drink, and the bartender responds sorry but we don't serve your kind here. So he calmly walks back outside, ruffles out the top of his head and turns himself around and over then walks back inside and back to the bartender. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, aren't you the rope that was just in here a second ago? To which he says no, I'm a frayed knot.
This proves I'm independent.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?” I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet. “Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.
Happy Father's Day!
It depends on what's at steak
Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
They are immediately disqualified.
I gave him a glass of water.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
He said ‘can I see your ticket please?’ ‘Not right now, I’m having a shit’ I shouted back. ‘I don’t believe you, can you slide it under the door?’ He snapped back annoyedly ‘Sure thing, no problem. The yellow bits are sweet corn’ I said
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
Add btomine to uranium and hydrogen to get Br2UH ITS BRUH CHEMICAL
A rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 10,000 people A jazz guitarist plays 10,000 chords for 3 people
Because its made of hide