The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
What is Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
Ba na na na
Alastor said what..?
Alastor said what..?
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
An old man was sitting next to a kid
And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack… So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate? So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old -And you think it's because he ate chocolate? -No, it's because he minded his own business.
An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.
The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."
Got this from my grandmother today, even had the forwarded remark on Whatsapp
https://ift.tt/2y0m0Wh
How many kids with ADHD does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
When you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.
The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."
What exactly is Fat shaming?
Mass Awareness
Roses are red,
My screen is blue, I think I deleted system32.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
Hitler’s Game
During the Second World War hitler and his troops storm into a village and gather the people in the village to the square. Hitler wanted to shoot the people there but decided it was too boring. He came up with a game where the wifes would need to identify her man only by touching his dick. If she failed at this game, Hitler would kill her whole family. He ordered his troops to seperate them and put blindfolds on the women and open the dicks of the men. They call the first women to play the game, she goes "not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, aah yes that one". She saves her husband and family. Next women comes "not mine, nope, no chance thats mine, nop, aha yes this is him". She also saves her family. This goes on for a couple more rounds and nobody dies, Hitler gets bored. To add some excitement he orders couple of his men to join the group, and then calls in the next women. She goes "not this, nope, not mine" then the turn comes to the soldier and she furiously shouts "Who the fuck is this?!"
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
What happened to Napoleon when he got struck by a cannon ball?
He was blown apart.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes…
….no seriously, you’ve got to.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (The answer is not what you are thinking)
Not what you are thinking.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on,
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
I need to get rid of my Theremin,
I haven't touched it in years.
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
My cousin’s allergic to shellfish, and I giggled as I told him I put clams in his soup.
You should've seen his reaction…
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back