The world we live in
My mate said he didn’t understand what cloning was.
I said that makes two of us.
Why did the mods of r/iamatotalpieceofshit cross the road?
To collect money from Joel Michael Singer.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
The mystery of childbirth.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, “How was I born?”His mother awkwardly answers, “The stork brought you.”“Oh,” says the boy. “Well, how were you and Daddy born?”“Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma.”The boy begins his paper, “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
A man arrives to the airport with three bags
A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are around $1.25 and deer nuts are just under a buck.
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
My korean friend died last week
So Yung
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question
"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?" The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond. She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the class what you think freedom is dear" The little boy comes up to the front of the class and the teacher hands him a big thick dictionary of english. "Go on dear, find us the definition of freedom" The boy arrives at the section for F and finds the definition. "Freedom means doing whatever you want whenever you feel like it with total disregard for others no matter the consequences it has for the people around you or the destruction it causes. Freedom is the broken record answer you give to end every reasonable arguement where someone tries to get you to do something you don't feel like doing." The teacher is shocked, The class looks up stunned and confused and the little boy bows his head in dissapointment, tears filling his eyes. About to console the little boy, the teacher notices the cover of the dictionary and beams a bright smile. "Don't worry class!" she rejoices, "That one is American English" Made in response to all the lockdown protestors in America who won't stfu and stop putting their country to shame. They don't define America Edit: I'm confused by the angry Americans, Why come to r/jokes without your sense of humour. It's not meant as a slight to america as a whole, just that small group who are protesting the lockdowns.
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
A man walks in a bar and says: ‘I’d like 7 double wiskeys, please.’
The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey. As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another. The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?' The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you had what I have,' while chugging the last glass of wiskey. 'So, what is it that you have?' asks the bartender. The man: 'not a single penny'
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…