The worst feeling
… an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudan, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Briton, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djiboutian, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Englishman, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian, a Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub. The doorman stops them and says, "Sorry I can’t let you in without a Thai."
He just goes on forever
It was a manslaughter.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet’s waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other “What are you in for?”
"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?" "Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was cleaning the kitchen floor in her bathrobe, and while she was reaching for something under the fridge, her bathrobe fell off, and she looked and smelled so good that I mounted her then and there." "Oh," says the Doberman, "so you're in to be castrated as well?" "No," says the German Shepherd, "just to get my claws clipped."
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
…but all the seats were already taken.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
I don't know what to make of it
…most crows drank at home.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
But I couldn't catch them all
I General Lee don’t find them funny
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Spread the news
unless you're at a funeral [Demetri martin]
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony. After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money. Later, the one in the closet steps out and says "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money. The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said: "I fucked her too."
I was looking for something specific
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
"I want my guitar back."
But when I do he laughs
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
By then he’s a mile away, you have got his shoes, and your can fucking say whatever you want about the cunt.
The Golf of Mexico
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
But go slow; I'm listening.
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
I only know a whittle.
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
A tea toddler
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
An interview with a vampire. Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time. Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring. I: Please, tell me more about the recent years. V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising. I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising? V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me. I: Really? V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…