The worst invention known to man
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?
Apparently, keeping it to yourself.
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
Little billy goes to a whorehouse
Madame: little Billy, get out of here! You're too young and you can't afford my girls. Little Billy pulls a huge wad of cash out of his pocket. Billy: I've been saving my allowance all year, and I've got my pubes. I want to bang a whore. Madame: well, okay. You can have any girl in the house except Sandy. Billy: Why can't I have Sandy? Madame: You don't want Sandy! She's got the herpesyphigonalaids! It's the worst VD ever! You don't want that little Billy. Billy: Yes I do! That's what i want! I want the herpesyphigonalaids. Madame: why little Billy? Billy: I'm gonna bang Sandy and she's gonna give me tje herpesyphigonalaids. Then I'm gonna go home and tonight i'll give it to my babysitter, then when my dad drives her home she'll give him the herpesyphigonalaids. When dad gets home he's gonna give mom the herpesyphigonalaids. Then tomorrow while he's at work mom will give the mailman the herpesyphigonalaids. AND THAT'S THE MOTHERF***ER WHO RAN OVER MY DOG!
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
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I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”
A cow with no lips!
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
Never get in a fight with a T-rex.
You'll get jurasskicked..
Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked – Q 1. When did India get Independence? He answered – The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947. Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for Independence? Answer – There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. Q 3. Do you think, Corruption is the greatest enemy of the country? Answer – A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report. The Interview Board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also. When the young man went out of the room, (there was other Person waiting for the interview outside the room). Person(2) inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions. But, Person(2) found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave." The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Person(2) quickly learnt by heart. When person(2) went in for interview, this is what happened. Q 1. When were you born? Person(2):- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947. Interviewers got confused…they asked next question. Q 2. What is your father's name? Person(2) :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others. The board members were shocked at the reply..they said. Q 3. Are you mad? Person(2) :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
What do being constipated and being bored have in common?
In both cases, you kind of just sit around waiting for shit to happen.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a K and not a C
You can’t C in the dark
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN…
They become VERY ANGRY
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian
Then Soviet
I was told to post this here.
This here.
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.