The worst part is that he just squeezed the whole image
Someone pooped in the water hole again.
Well shit.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
Isn’t it weird when sometimes you’re thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
Why are Americans so dumb?
Because they shoot the ones who go to school.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
How long does it take to master the art of Italian cooking?
Time cannoli tell
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
For Christmas, I’m getting my kids an alarm clock that swears at them instead of ringing.
They are in for a rude awakening.
Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
I failed my decimals exam
But hey, at least I gave it 109.98%
Where are all the dad jokes stored?
At the dadabase.
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
Life is like a penis,
it’s the women that make it hard
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
You put a nipple on it
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
What’s an angry window made of?
Tempered glass
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors
. The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.” He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.” The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The American says, “That's nothing.” He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return." The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage." The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here." The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again." The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!” The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
What does the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue and you are in deep shit.
I was walking through a graveyard earlier today when I saw a guy squatted behind a tombstone. I said “morning!”
He replied “no, just taking a shit”
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov