The wrong “yours” is the cherry on top
What do you call a cow in a band?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things.
Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem – a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
Success is like pregnancy
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised
Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road
In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…..
You have my Word.
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell, “Donald, duck!”
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
Boss wants to have sex with his secretary
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, and pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?" She responds, "I'm still picking and he's still fucking! The bastard used COINS!"
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.
Because I'm Canadian.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
My wife said that I act like a detective too much and that she wants to split up.
I told her good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
😀 Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
What do you call a lazy Kangaroo?
A pouch potato!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
Imagine what would happen if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion!
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary…
He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The parrot flies out, lands on his perch, and says, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness." The guy's astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "By the way, may I ask – what did the chicken do?"
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.