their chemistry is irreversible
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
ROMNEY DIDN’T KILL HIMSELF
Sorry, just practicing.
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
If you pull a pin from a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
What do you call a big group of Germans?
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, they just waved. Sea what I did there? Im Shore you did, but can’t kelp it but laugh
What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.
He said there was a vas deferens.
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.