I hear it’s making real headlines.
That's ridiculous, considering they're working around the clock.
So he can fit in the spaceship
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
I was in solitaire confinement.
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks into a bar.
Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth
I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I was like "Yeah, knock yourself out".
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
it was dead
It was an ether/oar situation…
But then I look back on the post that I have saved from a year ago that says otherwise.
I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.
“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" “Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. “Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." “That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." “Sensible" says Jeff. “So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." “And what happened then?" “I kicked her in the face."
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
and AD is now "After Distancing" Welcome to the new dark ages
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.