Then I remembered
You can hide, but you can’t run
Ah, this one got me good 😀
It was udder madness
But I accidentally picked 7 up.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
A friend you can count on!
Under his bed she finds a large collection of BDSM porn. Disturbed and not sure what to do she goes to her husband. "What should we do about this?" she asks. He replied, "Well we sure as hell can't spank him!"
"I’ve just had sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before marriage, my boyfriend will die!" I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”
..At Taco Bell.
So they can scan da navy in…
For a bad altitude
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
My family don't love me very much.
But you didn't like it.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
Butane, because it's lighter fluid…
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Because you can't C in the dark
I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year… maybe teaching isn’t for you.”
When it becomes apparent
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
my shower gets turned on.
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
"Of course child. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she replied. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" Father replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Now he's just Dave
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
He’s good at saving
I hope you're happy.
They got real mad but it wasn't my fault they didn't have any windows.
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.