Then they’re the first to get up and go watch TV
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
Why dont ants get sick?
Because they have anty bodies.
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
My nephew does well in marathons but poorly in the 100 yard dash…
He's better off in the long run.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
Do you remember Limewire? You might have ruined your parents computer but it was worth it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0kSU9d-PfMY
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
Oldest man on Earth
A journalist wanting to make his debut, searched far and wide for the oldest man on the planet thinking that his stories will amaze the world. After months of traveling from large cities to temples he finally finds out that the oldest man on Earth is 150 years old and lives in a small mountain village. The journalist arrives at the village and manages to find the man. He is bald and as wrinkly as it gets and has a long white beard. Journalist: "Hello, sir. According to my research, you must be the oldest man on earth. Since you have lived for such a long time I m sure that you have tons of stories to tell the world. Please tell me, what was the best day of your life?" Gramps: " ooooh, the best day of my life you say? Then it must be the day when the daughter of my neighbour, the most beautiful girl in the village whom everybody loved, got lost in the forest. So we gathered all the men. We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the girl. We found the girl and then we all had sex with her right there in the meadow. That was such a nice day! " Journalist: " My goodness! I can't publish this! The children will be grossed out, the parents angry and everyone will think that back in the old times there were only rapists… Old man, what if you tell me about a regular day of your life? Gramps: "ooooh, a regular day you say? Then it must be the days when someone had lost his goat in the forest, good times indeed. When that happened: We all went to the tavern. We all drunk some mead. We all went to the forest. We all searched for the goat. We found the goat and then we all had sex with it right there in the meadow. Yeah, those were the days! " Journalist:" Oh My God! This is outright bestiality, I can't share this with the world!!! Ok since this path isn't working how about you tell me about the worst day of your life? " Gramps widens his eyes and feels a shiver going down his spine. Gramps: "…….. One day I got lost in the forest….. "
I’m having a small get together for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday
It’s a Loki event.
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
What do you call a fear of giants?
Fe-Fi-Phobia
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.
GC: I'll direct LD: I'll produce MM: I'll write, I'll write, I'll write
my 7YO hit me with this one this morning
7YO: Knock knock! Me: Who's there? 7YO: Europe Me: Europe who? 7YO: (with mock outrage) I'm not a poo! you're a poo!
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
6:30 is my favorite time of the day
Hands down
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.
Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
why don’t we ever see elephants hiding in trees?
because they're hiding.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."