There are 10 kinds of people.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.
I said: “How can you say such a thing?”
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing her suitcase. "Where are you going?" she asks. "I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year."
I’m a big fan of whiteboards.
I find them quite re-markable.
People say that I’m a plagiarist
Their words, not mine.
One day I’ll pretend to be gay…
I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust and become their confidant, and when they least expect it…… BAMM!! !! !! … I'll fuck their boyfriends
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
What sound do ceiling fans make?
CEILING! CEILING! CEILING! CEILING!
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Genie: Okay what’s your last wish?
Me: I wish I had a tail. Genje: Wejrd but okay.
Why did the cake go to the doctor?
It was a coughee cake.
I got in a fight with frequency the other day
I lost and it still Hertz
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”
A guy in the back replies You don’t have enough bullets
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
I lost my job at the quarry…
I guess you could say I've hit rock bottom…
I tried to catch Santa last night.
I poisoned his milk but he found out and killed my dad.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
https://ift.tt/2K2Mtps
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs…
I pleaded, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”