There are 10 types of people in the world
Those who understand Binary and those who don't.
He was done for possession of coke.
I said no, but I can do a good Bohemian Rhapsody
A "roamin" Catholic.
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
Because one egg is un oeuf.
Because it has no home button.
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
Half a dog.
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
I was in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a phone rings. The guy next to me answers it while he was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I instantly thought, "What a smug bastard!" MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the Metrocentre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£90,000" MAN: "Ok but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000". MAN: "Well, then go ahead but come in at £900,000. They will probably take it but if not, we'll have to do £950,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!" MAN: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this fuckin phone belongs to?"
i’ve never had beef with any of them
He had a mold problem
Only a fraction of you will understand that
I thought, "I can't turn that down"
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day..
Because he was genetically engine-eared.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
There will be no coffin at his funeral…
It's really growing on me
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
I said, “Thanks, but I think we call them pants, not an ass shirt.”
P. Without it they're irate.
When she noticed me, we went for a run
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.
A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled, headed by a theoretical physicist, and two weeks of intensive on-site investigation took place. The scholars then returned to the university, notebooks crammed with data, where the task of writing the report was left to the team leader. Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, "I have the solution, but it works only in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum".
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
I'm an only child 🙁
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.
I told her I’ll try not doing it again.
A cross word puzzle.
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
So i got her some diet pills.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
Because he wasn't born yesterday
Anna 1 Anna 2 Anna 3 Anna 4