There are 6.02×10^23 guacas in a guacamole,
Which is also known as avocado’s number
Kids today will never know how awesome pogs were. Or how to drive a stick shift. Or how to speak.
Most things escape baby goats.
An American walks into an Irish bar.
While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laughs and continues to finish his drink. No more than 5 minutes pass, when the Irish man who left earlier, walks back into the pub and says, " I'd like to take ye challenge." The American laughs, buys the 10 shots for the Irish man and shows him the cash. Quickly the Irishman slams all 10 shots with ease. Astondished, but a man of his word the American gives the Irish man the $1,000 and says, "I just have one question, where the hell did you go?" The Irish man laughs and says, "Oh Aye jus went to the pub across the street to see if aye could do it."
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.' 'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.' 'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?' 'Anything, Father.' 'I have never seen a woman's breasts, and I was wondering if I might see yours.' 'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.' The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'… she consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?' 'Yes, Sister?' 'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?' 'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe. 'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give Life.' 'Is that true Father?' 'Yes, it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful … Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'
I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.
When they say no I yell,”GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
This blu-ray I bought said the main event would be David vs. Daniel.
However, the screen only said DVD.
The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Dave, a student at a university seems to be getting a lot of sexual attention from women
Day after day, Dave seems to be with a different girl. His professor, Mike, comes up and asks him what his secret is. "Before sex, i bang my dick on my bedside table which numbs it and makes me last longer" He says. "Wow! And that works?" Mike asks. "Every time" Dave replies. So later that day, while his wife was in the shower, Mike bangs his dick on his bedside table and before he walks into his bathroom, he hears his wife. "Dave, is that you?"
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by few inches and you’re in deep shit.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
I entered a pun contest once
You had to send in your best puns, via snail mail, in an orderly list. I sent ten in, thinking at least one would win me a prize, but no pun in ten did.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”