there are no accidents
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.
Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
Any parent would agree. Made me laugh then I realised how true it was then it made me sad
https://ift.tt/31QHSfY
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
happened earlier today. not the same person i used to be.
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
This was shared on Facebook in an album of different boomer cartoons depicting “phone bad”
https://ift.tt/2QRqBjn
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
A slice of apple pie is $2.00 in Jamaica, and $2.50 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
Me after finding my bro who went on a date with the hello kitty girl
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe…
The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in a different direction and tells them to go into the forest, get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit, and bring it back. It can be any kind of fruit as long as they get ten pieces of the same kind. Man A gets back first with ten apples. The chief tells him that while they wait for the other two, he can do the rest of the test. "It's simple," the chief said, "you just have to stick all ten of the apples up your butt without making a sound." Man A gets one apple in with no sound, but he grunts in pain on the second and thus is killed. Man B arrives next with ten small blueberries. He is told the same thing as Man A and begins the challenge. He is on number nine, doing great and making no sound, when he bursts out laughing and is killed. In Heaven, Man A and Man B stand together in line at the Pearly Gates. "You were doing so well!" Man A said. "Why did you laugh?" Man B started laughing again and responded: "I just couldn't help it… I saw Man C coming back with pineapples." Fun fact: This is the first joke I remember ever being told. My cousin told me and his younger siblings it, and we laughed for like an hour.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
Dad Joke Witnessed IRL
Just heard the best Dad joke in real time at the Jiffy Lube and I bet this guy has been waiting his whole life for this moment. Clerk: "Sir, are you here for an oil change?" Guy (probably in his 70s): "No, but the car is." Clerk: (puts head on desk and starts laughing)
A Woman Is Out Golfing And Finds A Frog Trapped In The Woods
A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods. When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them. Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue to feel good. Male readers: Please scroll down. The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife. Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show. Note: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen.
My korean friend died last week
So Yung