There are some things worth getting angry about
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
What is marriage really like?
A man brings his best buddy home for dinner… unannounced at 7:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. Wife: My hair and makeup aren’t done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pyjamas and and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home? Husband: Because he is thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo!
Son: I’m gay, Dad.
Dad: No, I’m gay Dad. Dad #2: No, I’m gay dad.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
“Ba-dumm-Tsss”
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
“When I stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?”
"Ma'am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please."
A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.
A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch. The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, two kids, and a monkey. He asks the monkey, not expecting much, what had happened. The monkey responds with a gesture of crashing. So he asks further. “What was the Father doing?” The monkey scratches his head, nods and does a drinking gesture. “Oh so he was drinking?” The monkey nods his head excitedly. The officer asks, “what was the Mother doing?” The monkey thinks for a moment, and does a mouth talking gesture. “Bitching?” The cop guessed. The monkey with a smile nods his head in excitement. The cop looks in the back and asks. “What were the kids doing?” The monkey thinks a moment and starts hitting the air. “So they were fighting?” The monkey nods his head. Then the officer asked, “What were you doing?” Without hesitation the monkey smiles making a steering wheel gesture.
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
Can a ninja hit a fly with a ninja star?
Shuriken.
To the person who stole my glasses
I can still drink from the bottle.
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?
She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.
My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.
But I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me
A man walks into a bar
So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano. So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?” And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.” So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese. So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.” And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?” Edit: So apparently there was a joke like this a month ago and I didn't notice, this wasn't a repost.
Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!
Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!" Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!" Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"
The best advice my dad gave me was to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.