There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time
I’ve been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
My friend gets offended when people tell fat jokes.
I told her to lighten up.
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo!
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
Now she is independent.
What did the grape say when it was crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot.”
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it
We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Why are blinks called “blinks”?
Because their "bi-winks".
What sound does a tiny cow make
µ Please ignore this text. It's only here to add more words because a single letter joke gets removed by the mods, who don't subscribe to the belief that brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for not reading this message.
I heard a dwarf got pickpocketed. I was shocked and appalled.
How could anyone stoop so low.
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
https://ift.tt/2LQWyWW
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework!” Selfish woman!!
It took me hours to mop that carpet!!
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
What time of the year do most squirrels die?
No nut November
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
Did you know that it’s wrong to breed eels with eagles?
It’s eel-eagle.
What’s the last thing a Tickle-Me-Elmo gets before leaving the factory?
Two test tickles.
