There had to be a better title
Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
We’re all destined to be sad and exhausted
Thoughts and Prayers
prepare your stimulus
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
Science makes me sad sometimes
Figured I would update a classic, with a little elbow grease and photoshop.
I’ve never particularly liked those Russian nesting dolls…
They're so full of themselves!
For the n-th time, that’s not what we do
My niece’s Escape from CV game, complete with Target runs.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Long Live the SOUTH
A boomer on my Facebook has finally caught up with memes.
Why was Pavlov’s beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
Two male deer are leaving a gay bar
One turns to the other and says, “I can’t believe I just blew 20 bucks.”
thank you ma’am bomer
Updated “Things We Can’t Afford” with the costs for those things
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
Wi-fi = life
Thank God for money.
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
That’s a point
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
Behold! The art of the deal
A priest, a monk, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank
The rabbit says, "I'm a type O."
Why did the electrician support LGBTQ people a lot?
Because he had a lot of trans sisters
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
If I had to suffer seeing this so do all of you.
RObOt WiLL tAkE OvEr ThE wOrLd!!!!!
the guy who fixed™ that whole middle east mess
Ahh… so THAT’S why she’s still in!!! Brilliant!
I keep a record of how much toffee I eat.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
There were 3 moles living in a hole…
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc. “There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”. That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking. He thinks to himself, “what a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks; “What’s for dinner honey?” No answer. He moves closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still no answer. He moves even closer. “What’s for dinner honey?” Still his wife doesn’t answer. He now sees how serious her hearing problem is. At this point, he is stood right next to his wife. “What’s for dinner honey?” “FOR THE FOURTH FUCKING TIME WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN”
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Last one in the bunker turn off the lights.
This is way more relevant than it use to be
Of course, let me take a look
It got removed from other community but I think I can post here. Too good to let it pass…
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
Why did the melon have a traditional wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.
Hit single scientists in your area
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
Their number one answer was, “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”
Programmers without StackOverflow
My name is ______
But you can call me anytime
Trumpets and Guns
n a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
This year’s Fibonacci celebrations are going to be huge
As big as the previous two combined
Boomer joke on my colleagues’ WhatsApp group
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
If all ‘t’s were silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
That feeling when
I don’t even know.
The truth behind the lies
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar
And that was just the first guy
This academic life is amazing 😅
I think I must visit the psychiatrist
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet." Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
My Ex-Wife Cheated On Me With Her Deaf Best Friend…
Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs.
What do you call fake potatoes?
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed…
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today. Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.